One Mom’s Experience Parenting a Teen with Depression
One Mom’s Experience Parenting a Teen with Depression
By Steph
Steph is the mother of two teenage daughters, now 15 and 17. Kaitlyn has struggled off and on with depression and anxiety since the summer before starting 6th grade. This will focus on the most recent bout fall of 2021 – spring 2022.
How did you know that Kaitlyn was struggling last year?
She would tell me. She also cried often and begged not to go to school. She didn’t really have any friends and spent a lot of time in her room. She would say things like “I don’t want to go to college, I don’t want to get a job, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids, I don’t want life.” Further, she would tell me that she was in pain (mental) and that it was selfish of me to want her to live and continue to be in pain. She didn’t care about eating or taking care of her appearance.
Although I was fortunate in that she was honest and open, it was difficult to know proper responses to some of the things she would say. I would say that we would get her help, that we would get her medication, that we would find what works for her. Her responses would range from skepticism to complete lack of hope or willingness to try. She repeatedly would say that she wanted to die and that it would be good for me because then I could go and live my life. She resisted my rebuttals that it doesn’t work that way.
How did you know how to help Kaitlyn?
I know that when you do a Google search of how to help your depressed teen, things such as “see a psychologist, get on medication, call a hotline” will pop up. It all seems so easy. What Google may not know is that it can take months to get to see a provider that your insurance covers or that it may take 20 medications that don’t work to find even one that does. What I wasn’t able to find is what I (someone not trained in mental health) am supposed to say when my almost 16-year-old daughter asks me if I want to see her in pain. I say “no,” and then her response is “then you just need to let me die because that is how the pain ends.” I say something like, “We will get you help. We will get you medications. We will keep trying.” And she would respond back, “I have gotten help. I have tried medications. I am tired of trying. I am done. Mom, it is selfish of you to want me to stay. Let me go.” Ok search engine, what am I supposed to say to that? I believe that, in addition to making parents aware of the signs of depression, anxiety and suicide ideation, the collective “WE” need to do more to equip people with tools on how to talk to someone struggling. Not just on a hotline call (although those are certainly lifelines) but on a day-to-day basis when dealing with someone who is really in a bad place mentally and are trying to get by on an hour-by-hour basis. I understand that everyone is different and that conversations will be different but, in my experience, this “how to” guide is definitely missing.
How did you determine and locate facilities or treatment options?
I brought her to Sanford ER after her attempt because it is closest to our house and, at the time, she had Sanford insurance. When they transferred her to Prairie St. John’s, that was based also on location and the availability of a bed for her. She had been there previously. When I realized that she needed more help, I researched and made calls and more calls. Unfortunately, not one of the facilities would be covered by her insurance. I made the decision (and I understand that I am fortunate to have had some resources to make this decision) that I would do whatever it takes to get her help. Her one request was that the place looked like a home and not a mental institution/prison. She found a place in Beverly Hills, but it was beyond expensive. I kept looking – most look just like Prairie St. John’s – very clinical and definitely not like a home. This was important to her because she said she felt like she was being punished for her feelings and that such a setting was actually causing her to want to die even more. I note that this was winter of 2022, and the Fargo gray sky was all she could see when she looked out the window. I kept searching and somehow, there it was. It was a place in Florida and was Christian-based. I contacted them and spent hours on the phone going over her situation. They had a space open up a few days later, and I made the decision to send her there. I dropped her off and had no idea when she would be home or how the experience would go. I was only allowed to talk to her for up to 10 minutes, 3 times a week, and then for about half an hour doing the weekly family therapy via Zoom. This facility had a basketball hoop (and it was nice enough outside to play compared to our February weather), horses, rabbits, and real bedrooms. While there, she had chores including doing her own laundry. She also did online school and lots of individual and group therapy. While this place was far from perfect, she and I both feel that it saved her life. She spent 70 nights in Florida. Insurance did not cover one penny of that.
What steps did you take to get help for Kaitlyn?
Please note that while there are many resources, there are not enough. Be prepared to make many calls, fill out lots of paperwork, take time out of work, and potentially, spend lots of money. Understand that medication is not a quick fix – many take weeks to see if effective. If not, then you need to start over. For many people, this (depression, anxiety, suicide ideation, and so on) will be a long process with no easy answer.
While she was in the local facility, I spent countless hours researching other options and talking to as many people as I could. Numerous forms were filled out – the forms going back to my pregnancy with her, her birth, the various milestones. While I understand the importance of such information, at the time I was overwhelmed and losing patience. At one point, I told someone at the facility “I am trying to keep her alive – I can’t recall exactly when she said her first word or took her first step.” (Side note: if you find yourself filling out one of these 10+ page forms for one mental provider, perhaps make a copy so that the next form will be easier and consistent.) There were many calls made to mental health assistance programs only to find out that the waiting list was months and months long or that, for whatever reason, I/Kaitlyn wouldn’t qualify for. When I finally found the place in Florida that I would send her to, I had a number of items to take care of: withdrawing her from school, getting her a COVID test within the appropriate timeframe before her admission date, packing (another side note: you haven’t packed until you have packed someone a bag for time at a mental facility. The list of “can have” items is short and “can’t have” is long), getting plane tickets, and so on.
I was, and continue to be, very fortunate to have an amazing employer who showed me nothing but grace, kindness, and support during this difficult time. I understand not everyone has that situation. I was admittedly vulnerable – perhaps more than I should have been – when telling everyone what was going on. But that is how Kaitlyn and I roll. If we are going to stop the stigma, then we need to start the dialogue and not be afraid that people can’t handle it or don’t know what to say. I also want to acknowledge that I was fortunate in that I had the financial resources this round of treatment to cover my half (her father covered his half). If, however, she needs such treatment in the future, it is very likely that I would need to get more help from others. I often donate to Go Fund Me or Lend A Hand drives and, if necessary, I would certainly do that if it meant getting the help my child needed. It takes a village.
How do things look now for Kaitlyn?
I didn’t know who she would be when arriving home from Florida. I hoped for the best but also understood that she had been through a lot. She spent that time with girls who had many different issues ranging from drug addiction to violent behavior to depression. Some of those girls had been abused or abandoned. It definitely opened her eyes as to what others have gone through and, to some extent, I think put her situation in perspective. What she has said a number of times is that she realized that no matter what someone looks like or how many things such as sports or friends that someone has, everyone has their own struggles. Somehow being with this wide range of people from all over the country and the world made her understand that she wasn’t the only socially awkward or “weird” kid. When she first got back, she saw her psychologist a few times a week. Over time, it was once a week, then every other week, and now we are at once every 3 weeks. She really enjoys the sessions with her psychologist and sees the appointments as a great way to check in and keep things on track. At first, we met (via Zoom) her psychiatrist for medication management about once a month. We are now at every 6 months. She has been consistently on her current medication for almost a year, and it is going well. Kaitlyn and I are both concerned a bit about when she goes off to college in summer 2024; we will have to figure out how to make sure the meds are picked up, paid for, carefully split between her morning doses of the three pills and her evening doses of two different pills and the second dose of one she took in the morning, and, of course, that she takes them as directed. At this point, I don’t know the long-term effects of all these different medications but that is something I will look more into. I just know that Kaitlyn is doing really well. She talks about the future, she wants to go to college and is thinking about being a psychologist, she wants to help others struggling, she wants to have a family, she wants to have a job, and most importantly, she wants to be alive!
I know that there will be tough times ahead just as there are for any human. I have faith that she has learned many tools to help carry her through the next valley. I also want to acknowledge that as we are just about at the one-year anniversary of Kaitlyn being released from the Florida facility (and thus, a year and 4 months from the time of her attempt), I am still processing it all. There are times I look back and can’t even imagine how I got through that first night at the hospital or how I let the ambulance take her from the hospital to the mental facility without me being able to ride with her. How did I get through those first hours in the ER where she expressed anger that her suicide attempt “didn’t work”? It is all a process and just like we did then, we take it one step at a time and know that it was all worth it and will continue to be.
What are some things you wish you knew before all of this happened
She wasn’t diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum until she was 15 (and this all happened when she was just over 15 ½). I didn’t know that being on the autism spectrum (especially if a girl and high-functioning) has a high correlation with depression and suicide ideation. I didn’t know that waiting lists for psychologists and psychiatrists can be over a year long before you can even make an appointment. I didn’t know that medications can be so hit and miss.
I didn’t know how few people would reach out to her when she was away. I had her phone and, in the almost two months she was in Prairie (in-patient and outpatient) and 70 nights she spent in Florida, only two people texted her to see if she was ok. That broke my heart. But I guess it confirmed what she had been saying – that she didn’t really have friends. When you hear of a suicide, people come out of the woodwork to say, “Had I known, I would have reached out/told them I cared/asked if I could help” and so on and yet, I find it very hard to believe that people couldn’t see she was struggling but so few actually reached out.
What advice would you give to parents trying to help their teens
Believe your child if she says she is struggling. I have heard some people say to Kaitlyn, “You are just looking for attention” or “You don’t have it that bad.” If someone is brave enough to share, they are hurting, please believe them. Ask around for recommendations for psychologists and psychiatrists. Tell her that things will take time but that you are in it for the long haul; no matter how long it takes or what it takes, you will keep going. Be open to alternatives. One thing we tried was ketamine infusions. They were actually helping, but she was so far in depression’s grasp that she couldn’t see the way out. If one medication doesn’t work, be willing to try another and another and another. Make sure she knows that you love her whether she has a mental illness or not. Let her know that many people have issues and they are not all willing to face them. I also talk with her about alcohol and drugs and explain that those are not healthy ways of dealing with life’s challenges. In her case, it could also be very dangerous given the medications she is on. To the extent you are comfortable, be honest with those around you regarding what is going on. Perhaps I overshared at times, but I received great emotional support from co-workers and my employer. In some instances, others shared some difficult times they had gone through with their children and it was helpful to hear of someone on the other side and also to feel less alone.
Keep going and keep going and keep going even when you think you can’t. While I know there is no guarantee that she won’t struggle again, I also know that every single thing I did was worth it because it gave her a chance and showed her how much I care and that she is worth it. She now says things to me like, “Mom, life is amazing!” This year has brought her some great things including self-confidence, new friends, and a purpose – to help others who are struggling. Find someone to talk to. I mean this and have told BIO Girls that I am more than willing to talk with anyone about what they have going on and the various things we tried. Reach out to Beth Salafia, Director of Programming and Research, and she can give you my contact information.