How to Help our Girls (and Ourselves) Think More Positively
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a pattern of negativity, and it feels nearly impossible to get out of it?
There’s a good biological reason for this.
Historically, when our ancestors were hunters and gatherers, they not only benefitted from a brain focused on negativity, but they survived because of it. Think about how their brains were required to constantly scan their environment for predators or other things that could harm them. This was necessary for their survival.
Jump ahead thousands of years, and this way of functioning doesn’t serve to be as useful as it once was. However, as a species, we continue to have a “default mode” in our brains that constantly drives us to notice and focus on negativity. So if we’re pre-wired to respond this way, how do we change that?
In order to re-train our brain for more positive thinking patterns, we need to essentially override those negative thoughts. Think of the pathways in our brains like highways and country roads. The highways, like negative pathways, are way more heavily traveled. We have to switch our thinking to the less traveled country roads, like positive pathways, in order to make them more accessible. Think of it as a muscle. The more time and effort we put into working a muscle, the stronger it becomes. One way to do this is to practice gratitude.
Numerous studies have shown that people who practice gratitude report increased compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and generosity, among other things. An important part of practicing gratitude is staying in that sweet spot of focusing on gratitude for about 15-20 seconds to really make an imprint with the new wiring. Here are five tips to practice re-wiring your brain for positivity:
Each night, identify 3 gratitudes from your day. This works because all day our brain is remembering to notice positive things that we’re grateful for!
Utilize what therapists call a “re-frame.” An example might be changing thoughts about a parent who seems strict to a parent that cares for you and therefore wants you to learn discipline and responsibility for your benefit.
Have a gratitude jar at home that anyone can contribute to. Write down things you notice others doing well or that you appreciate, or things you’re proud of, and share them with the family at meals.
Practice self-compassion and positive self-talk. Give yourself grace for having a hard time, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and belonging.
Practice mindfulness by focusing on the present moment rather than the past or the future. Examples might be noticing colors, scents, or the warmth of the sun. Being intentional allows you to enjoy the present. This practice limits the time spent dwelling on negative thoughts or events that are often beyond our control.
Christina Smestad, MS, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
The Village Family Service Center
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